Something needs to change.

I have mixed feelings about how my life is going.

On one hand I like the new people who have entered my life in the past year (they are the best and I am enjoying getting to know them better and better as time goes), but I miss the people who had been in my life when I was doing theatre. I know I stepped away from theatre on purpose. I was burnt out. Period. I'd been going non-stop with no time for me for many years...and it wasn't really going anywhere. Because, let's face it, unless I'm willing to leave my full time job to apply to direct anytime and anywhere...my "career path" in directing is over. Financially I cannot quit the daytime gig. Health wise (insurance), I cannot quit the daytime gig. So here I sit. Unable to move my directing career path forward unless my "goal" is to just direct off off Bway for no money for all eternity. Which, is sorta okay but...I can do that anywhere...not just NYC.

I moved to NYC to do theatre. I'm good at it. I'm a good director...a better Artistic Director and possibly even a better Technial Director (which is funny cause I'm utter shite when it come to getting on a ladder or knowing about electrical stuff). I don't miss the stress of it all. That's the truth. I do miss the people, however. TheatreRats worked with some of the most wonderful people and I miss them. But the question is...do I want to have that stress again? Maybe. Maybe not. I think if TheatreRats is to start up again that we need two more folks in the fold, so to speak. Rachel, Michael and I aren't enough to make this ball roll anymore. We need a fourth...at the least.

What would I do if TheatreRats folded? Hmmm...maybe apply to direct other shows for other companies? Maybe just work with Patrick on things since we're a pretty great team. No idea. I know I can't NOT do theatre all together. Cause if I do...then what the fuck am I doing here in NYC? I could move somewhere warm and write. Of course, my paying job and my writing team here are reasons enough to stay. Though, I think there are people in my theatre world that wouldn't notice I left town at all. Just because I'm not producing theatre anymore I tend to not be "important" to them. Yeah, I get invites to their plays but nothing else really. I'm no longer an opportunity for them to get a job so...I'm forgotten about.

But that's another ball of wax that I won't go into. I dwelled on that yesterday enough as it is.

Where was I?

Oh yes...the way my life is going...and going and going with no real progress lately. It's me, my dog and...that's really it, when you come down to it. I've been single for five years and its frustrating. Dating in this town sucks! Men in this town...well, there's not as many of them as there are women...unless you count the wonderful gay men (who I adore). Problem is...can't date them. LOL! And when there are new, straight, men around I'm considered but...forgotten about. Not good enough. Much like the theatre folk who find I'm not good enough unless I'm someone who can cast them or pay to see their work. News flash gang: I'm not going to come be supportive of you when you're not supportive of me, anymore. I'm done showing I care when its obvious you don't.

So where am I going? What do I want? Well...simply put, I'd like a healthy partnership/relationship with a good man, a book deal and a chance to do theatre (possibly teach classes) when I'm not writing. Oh, and to be healthy, not in back pain anymore. Ah...all that'd be nice huh? It's the "dream" I suppose.

A dream that if my life has been any indication lately...in its stagnent form...is just that...a dream.

Something needs to change. I need something to jump-start my heart again. Be it love or success at something I've been working ages for.

Something.

If not. WTF am I doing here in this cold city?

Tamsin