I'm this HUGE fan of the TV show Criminal Minds. As of tonight I'll own all 4 Seasons on DVD. I even decided to base one of my new characters who is at the end of Book 3 and now in Book 4 on one of the actors...why? For visual fun for me. If I have to look at these characters in my head all day, they should be someone I wanna see...that's my lame and weak excuse and I'm stickin' to it! ;)
That said, I'm also a big fan of the quotes they use to open and end the cases with. I've even started jotting them down if they strike my fancy. I have a TOP THREE at this point. But, I think that one in particular fits this book (and series too) so I shall share it with you.
Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars. - Kahlil Gibran
Kahlil Gibran was a Lebanese artist & poet in the US (1883 - 1931). I know this because there's this GREAT web page...http://www.quotationspage.com/ that helps you find quotes, who said them, and sometimes where the quotes come from. It's called "The Quotations Page". I use it to find the full quote of stuff I hear on the show.
Anyhoo, back to my new favorite quote. I've put my leading lady through hell. My readers who follow the series for me and give me input are always giving me flack for it. Things like, "How much more can this girl take?!" "Do you not like her anymore?" "Do you just like making her life hell?" I am of the firm belief (and I'm sure I've said this before) that the most interesting people have lived life and have had life happen to them. Not only that, but if the end of my story is to have a somewhat happy ending I think they need to have earned it. And when I say "happy" all I mean is an ending where the good guys win...in theory...which you sort of think is the case being as that the books tell you that they are being written in 2010 as historical volumes for the past 13 years. If my leading lady is writing them in 2010, chances are she survived the war. What's intersting to me is the "how".
I've always been this way. I literally don't care if I already know the ending of some movie or book...I enjoy the story...the "how" of it all. Plus, if I know my favorite character lives I don't rush the reading process to make sure. I can really enjoy the process/story/adventure the author takes me on. I know, I'm weird that way. Most people will say, "Don't tell me the end!!!" and I'm like, "Tell me, do they live? What happens in the end? Is it a happy ending?" Sad ending make me feel ruined internally. With so many unhappy things in life, why must the ending be shitty? It may not be perfect but come on, we read, see plays, watch movies & TV to escape to a different universe...why would I want that ending to suck like real life? I know I know, cause it's "realistic". Ya know what? If I want realisitic I'd have a job as a police officer or lawyer and watch movies like "The Perfect Storm" and read plays like "Desire Under the Elms"...but that's not me. :)
Maybe that's why I love Criminal Minds so much. It's a tried and true plotline (with some surprises...don't get me wrong): People are killed, the BAU goes in, they disect "who" this crazy person is, they collect clues, they hunt them, they catch them, and they go home. Does it ruin it for me that you are pretty sure they'll catch him/her? No. I love the journey and the puzzle the amazing writers create. As well as their quotes for the begining and end.
Speaking of those quotes...I leave you with my other two faves...so that you have my TOP THREE. Enjoy! -Tamsin :)
Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self. -Cyril Connolly (1903 - 1974)
We cross our bridges when we come to them and burn them behind us, with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke, and a presumption that once our eyes watered.-Tom Stoppard (1937 - ), Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead
Friday, April 9, 2010
Book 4's basis
Someone asked me the other day what the premise of Book 4 is. Well, the title sorta gives that away don't you think? I suppose that's sorta fair being as that Book 3's title was all metephorical and shit. So for #4 I lay it out for you with at title of "Destiny".
But WHOSE destiny is this about? Atlanta? Sean? Phoenix? Jonathan?...Elizabeth? I'll actually touch on all of those. Obviously the main focus is Atlanta. She's been through hell and come out other side mentally damaged...and with good reason. Loosing one's soul for a stint isn't a fun time. But I think more importantly are the secondary characters in this book. Their destiny to be in her life...their choices that put them in this war...their fate to live or die and how/why. I think those are even more compelling than her story. Why? Because they are the foundation; the beams that hold the house up, so to speak. Without them she'd not exist. They have all made choices and taken risks for her...even before they knew her physically. I think that type of solid footing is what makes her who she ends up to be. Without a solid foundation the house will fall. And if the house does crumble and the foundation is still there, the house can be rebuilt and when it is, it'll be stronger than before. But it all comes down to the foundation. As much as you may love my leading lady...those around her are just as important.
So....THAT is what Book 4 is. I'm looking forward to working on it as my secondary characters mean as much to me as my primary.
Tamsin Silver :)
But WHOSE destiny is this about? Atlanta? Sean? Phoenix? Jonathan?...Elizabeth? I'll actually touch on all of those. Obviously the main focus is Atlanta. She's been through hell and come out other side mentally damaged...and with good reason. Loosing one's soul for a stint isn't a fun time. But I think more importantly are the secondary characters in this book. Their destiny to be in her life...their choices that put them in this war...their fate to live or die and how/why. I think those are even more compelling than her story. Why? Because they are the foundation; the beams that hold the house up, so to speak. Without them she'd not exist. They have all made choices and taken risks for her...even before they knew her physically. I think that type of solid footing is what makes her who she ends up to be. Without a solid foundation the house will fall. And if the house does crumble and the foundation is still there, the house can be rebuilt and when it is, it'll be stronger than before. But it all comes down to the foundation. As much as you may love my leading lady...those around her are just as important.
So....THAT is what Book 4 is. I'm looking forward to working on it as my secondary characters mean as much to me as my primary.
Tamsin Silver :)
Creepy...Continued...
So...an update to yesterday's post...I have been punked.
You read me right, I've been punked. The weird dude from UT with all the flower comments? Yeah...it was my friend Ron. The guy who reads my chapters for me as I go and gives me feed back. Being as that I told him about it on Wednesday he confessed to me yesterday...literally moments after I posted the entry.
I know I'll look back on this and laugh later...but I'm pissed at him to be honest and now must spend some time thinking on how to get him back. I'm thinking I have an idea of how to do it...but I can't post it here in case he's one of my few readers. But Ron? Know I will get you back...oh yes...I will...just you wait...
**Insert evil laugh whilst rubbing hands together here**
You'd think with creepy issue #1 figured out all would be good. Oh no. They come in three's right? So, here we go...
#1. Flower Dude.
#2. Weekend before last, on my way home from the club on Saturday night, a guy on the train unzipped his fly at me as he was getting off the A train at 155th street and motioned for me to consider giving him a blow job. No lie. Luckily I told him to F-off and he left.
#3. Yesterday afternoon I get a text from some # I don't recognise. It's an 803 area code which means its coming from South Carolina...where I used to live. The messaging went like this:
803 dude: Hey
Me: Hey. Who is this?
803 dude: Rashod
Me: I don't think I know you. Who are you trying to reach?
803 dude: You. Whats yo name? (That is not a type-O, that's what he wrote)
Seriously? We've gone from crank calling to crank texting? INSANE!
I was tempted to post his number on Twitter so everyone I know could start texting his ass but, I decide to just ignore him and in doing so figure he'd disappear.
And he did. No more messages.
I really am done with the creepy folks. Question is, seeing as that Flower Dude on Twitter wasn't a "real" creepy person but a joke...does that mean since things come in 3's I'm due one more? :(
Dear Lord, can you please give me a creepy people forcefield? (something only a Sci-Fi person would think to ask for...lol!) Thanks. I'll be testing it as soon as I step out of my blogging world and into the real one.
I'll let ya'll know if it works.
Have a great Friday and a fun weekend all!
Tamsin :)
You read me right, I've been punked. The weird dude from UT with all the flower comments? Yeah...it was my friend Ron. The guy who reads my chapters for me as I go and gives me feed back. Being as that I told him about it on Wednesday he confessed to me yesterday...literally moments after I posted the entry.
I know I'll look back on this and laugh later...but I'm pissed at him to be honest and now must spend some time thinking on how to get him back. I'm thinking I have an idea of how to do it...but I can't post it here in case he's one of my few readers. But Ron? Know I will get you back...oh yes...I will...just you wait...
**Insert evil laugh whilst rubbing hands together here**
You'd think with creepy issue #1 figured out all would be good. Oh no. They come in three's right? So, here we go...
#1. Flower Dude.
#2. Weekend before last, on my way home from the club on Saturday night, a guy on the train unzipped his fly at me as he was getting off the A train at 155th street and motioned for me to consider giving him a blow job. No lie. Luckily I told him to F-off and he left.
#3. Yesterday afternoon I get a text from some # I don't recognise. It's an 803 area code which means its coming from South Carolina...where I used to live. The messaging went like this:
803 dude: Hey
Me: Hey. Who is this?
803 dude: Rashod
Me: I don't think I know you. Who are you trying to reach?
803 dude: You. Whats yo name? (That is not a type-O, that's what he wrote)
Seriously? We've gone from crank calling to crank texting? INSANE!
I was tempted to post his number on Twitter so everyone I know could start texting his ass but, I decide to just ignore him and in doing so figure he'd disappear.
And he did. No more messages.
I really am done with the creepy folks. Question is, seeing as that Flower Dude on Twitter wasn't a "real" creepy person but a joke...does that mean since things come in 3's I'm due one more? :(
Dear Lord, can you please give me a creepy people forcefield? (something only a Sci-Fi person would think to ask for...lol!) Thanks. I'll be testing it as soon as I step out of my blogging world and into the real one.
I'll let ya'll know if it works.
Have a great Friday and a fun weekend all!
Tamsin :)
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Sorry I've been MIA (not that many read this and cared but hey, I can dream)
Been busy writing away on book 4 as well as taking some of my editor's ideas about book one and playing with point of view for the "third person" sections. It's been fun! But then again...I enjoy being creative and redoing stuff gives me a challenge.
Anyhoo...on to my title of this blog...
TWITTER.
I love Twitter. I'm on it under both my real name and this pen name. I really enjoy the hell out of it! So, it was disturbing me greatly when one of my followers was in short, creeping me out.
He would RT almost every tweet of mine and add info about flowers. You got it right. Some dude would put something like, "Tulips and daisies make me feel better" or "I planted a tulip" ...you get the point. Everything I had to say he'd put something about flowers...tulips were his main focus. I posted a reply to him that finally told him that if he didn't stop sounding like an unsub from Criminal Minds I was going to block him. His response? "I'm not a criminal..." and then something about flowers. No joke.
So I blocked the bastard. On both names. I have no idea who he was other than he lived in UT. It was the weirdest feeling...blocking someone cause they were creepy. I just didn't want to deal with it anymore. He was freakin me out.
Was curious if anyone else ever had this type of problem. You know, us average joe's...vs. uber famous folks. The latter of the two probably get TONS of them...but us normal peeps? Just seemed strange.
But...that won't stop me from letting anyone and everyone follow my posts. In fact, my real name has gotten a "surge" of new followers who aren't "spam-bots" and I have no idea who they are...but hey, WELCOME! Just don't RT me with creepy shit and we'll get along fine. :)
Toodles! -Tamsin L. Silver
P.S. I am found on Twitter as tamsinsilver ...the more that start to follow me there the more I'll start to post more often!
Been busy writing away on book 4 as well as taking some of my editor's ideas about book one and playing with point of view for the "third person" sections. It's been fun! But then again...I enjoy being creative and redoing stuff gives me a challenge.
Anyhoo...on to my title of this blog...
TWITTER.
I love Twitter. I'm on it under both my real name and this pen name. I really enjoy the hell out of it! So, it was disturbing me greatly when one of my followers was in short, creeping me out.
He would RT almost every tweet of mine and add info about flowers. You got it right. Some dude would put something like, "Tulips and daisies make me feel better" or "I planted a tulip" ...you get the point. Everything I had to say he'd put something about flowers...tulips were his main focus. I posted a reply to him that finally told him that if he didn't stop sounding like an unsub from Criminal Minds I was going to block him. His response? "I'm not a criminal..." and then something about flowers. No joke.
So I blocked the bastard. On both names. I have no idea who he was other than he lived in UT. It was the weirdest feeling...blocking someone cause they were creepy. I just didn't want to deal with it anymore. He was freakin me out.
Was curious if anyone else ever had this type of problem. You know, us average joe's...vs. uber famous folks. The latter of the two probably get TONS of them...but us normal peeps? Just seemed strange.
But...that won't stop me from letting anyone and everyone follow my posts. In fact, my real name has gotten a "surge" of new followers who aren't "spam-bots" and I have no idea who they are...but hey, WELCOME! Just don't RT me with creepy shit and we'll get along fine. :)
Toodles! -Tamsin L. Silver
P.S. I am found on Twitter as tamsinsilver ...the more that start to follow me there the more I'll start to post more often!
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Rain Rain Go Away...
Tuesday. Rain pelting down, flooding Manhattan. Everywhere you look are rainboots and umbrella's and unhappy faces.
No one likes the weather here. Yet...22.232 million people live here...(says the 2009 census). Why? Why do we all live here?
Is it the culture? Is it that there is tons to do here (great clubs, shows, bars, museums, etc.)? Is it the vast business opportunities? Is it the diversity of the people? Is it the parks? Is it the great food (cause trust me...you could eat out for each meal, every day for a year in this city and eat somewhere new and cool each time)? Is it the history this city holds? Is it the fact that every now and again you stop, look around and say to yourself, "I really live here!"
Its all these things actually. Add on the fact that the people here are fantastic, creating great friends you adore and you have yourself someplace fun to live. BUT...the weather sucks. Last summer we had more rain than sunshine. This winter we had HORRIBLY cold winds and TONS of snow.
See, New Yorkers walk in this shit...it's not like other northern areas where most of the people have cars. Sure, Michigan was colder...it gets more snow usually...but you go from your warm house to your warmed up car to your warm job...etc. (Do apply that for summer too...air conditioned houses, cars, jobs, etc). Here? You walk in this shitty weather. You are your car. Your feet are your tires. So, in case you ever wondered why New Yorkers talk about the weather all the time...it's cause basically we are talking cars...discussing what we have to push through every day.
Now if it wasn't for all that really cool stuff I listed before...I don't think people would live here. The reason NYC became what it became was so people could fathom living here. Just my opinion folks...
New Yorkers spend much time talking about when the nice weather will be here...we are on a countdown. New Yorkers are the happiest (you actually see smiling faces on your way to work) from about June till October/November. Then you get all the cool Christmas stuff here in the city into fooling you it's okay to be cold..."Tis The Season"...then New Years hits and you go...Why the fuck do I live here again?
Anyhoo...It's almost April right?
This is Tamsin Silver, staring out her window at the crappy weather saying...hang in there New Yorkers...only 2 months to go...and if we're lucky? It'll be nice by May...we can hold on for one to two more months...right?
Well, we'll try...but count on us to bitch about it. ;) xo
No one likes the weather here. Yet...22.232 million people live here...(says the 2009 census). Why? Why do we all live here?
Is it the culture? Is it that there is tons to do here (great clubs, shows, bars, museums, etc.)? Is it the vast business opportunities? Is it the diversity of the people? Is it the parks? Is it the great food (cause trust me...you could eat out for each meal, every day for a year in this city and eat somewhere new and cool each time)? Is it the history this city holds? Is it the fact that every now and again you stop, look around and say to yourself, "I really live here!"
Its all these things actually. Add on the fact that the people here are fantastic, creating great friends you adore and you have yourself someplace fun to live. BUT...the weather sucks. Last summer we had more rain than sunshine. This winter we had HORRIBLY cold winds and TONS of snow.
See, New Yorkers walk in this shit...it's not like other northern areas where most of the people have cars. Sure, Michigan was colder...it gets more snow usually...but you go from your warm house to your warmed up car to your warm job...etc. (Do apply that for summer too...air conditioned houses, cars, jobs, etc). Here? You walk in this shitty weather. You are your car. Your feet are your tires. So, in case you ever wondered why New Yorkers talk about the weather all the time...it's cause basically we are talking cars...discussing what we have to push through every day.
Now if it wasn't for all that really cool stuff I listed before...I don't think people would live here. The reason NYC became what it became was so people could fathom living here. Just my opinion folks...
New Yorkers spend much time talking about when the nice weather will be here...we are on a countdown. New Yorkers are the happiest (you actually see smiling faces on your way to work) from about June till October/November. Then you get all the cool Christmas stuff here in the city into fooling you it's okay to be cold..."Tis The Season"...then New Years hits and you go...Why the fuck do I live here again?
Anyhoo...It's almost April right?
This is Tamsin Silver, staring out her window at the crappy weather saying...hang in there New Yorkers...only 2 months to go...and if we're lucky? It'll be nice by May...we can hold on for one to two more months...right?
Well, we'll try...but count on us to bitch about it. ;) xo
Thursday, March 25, 2010
DESTINY
You'd think after the HUGE ass post I typed just a wee bit ago I'd have nothing else for my reading audiece today.
SO not true.
I have the Indroduction to Book 4; Destiny.
Considering my previous post...I think possibly this next book mirrors me right now in a way that's too deep to explain without rambling like earlier. I can feel that writing this next book will be me sharing a bit of my soul with you...that it will help me see my destiny in the real world...and that because of how it effects me in real life, that this book will effect those who read it.
That said...I give you the introduction to Book 4.
-------------------------------------------
Main Entry: des•ti•ny
Pronunciation: \ˈdes-tə-nē\
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural des•ti•nies
Etymology: Middle English destinee, from Anglo-French, from feminine of destiné, past participle of destiner
Date: 14th century
1 : something to which a person or thing is destined : FORTUNE
2 : a predetermined course of events often held to be an irresistible power or agency
synonyms see FATE
So I wait.
What do I wait for?
Destiny…to eat me whole. This “predetermined” course of events that seem to have infected my being. The “chosen one”. Prophecy this and prophecy that. I hate it. To feel like you have no choice but yet you’ve made all the wrong ones. It sucks. I am unhappy and I hurt those I love daily. How in hell can this be my destiny? Did I per chance pick the wrong path one day? If so, when did that happen and can I go back and change my mind?
On one hand, I have two beautiful children and powers that many would make a deal with the devil for. Yet, on the other hand I seem to have the propensity for tragedy and horror to follow me and those I care for wherever I go. One might suggest maybe I need to embrace this stay of being. I cannot fathom it. If I didn’t feel I was needed I would find a way to die. Destiny or no, there are things I’ve seen and things I’ve done that make my skin crawl and my non-beating heart cry out for help.
But I can’t. Have help that is. I have made these bad choices, whether they were my destiny to make or not, and I am the one that deals with them. There is no need to share my dirty laundry with those who count on me so heavily. I am the chosen one and I should be able to shoulder this pain and these burdens alone…and I will.
Until it kills me.
SO not true.
I have the Indroduction to Book 4; Destiny.
Considering my previous post...I think possibly this next book mirrors me right now in a way that's too deep to explain without rambling like earlier. I can feel that writing this next book will be me sharing a bit of my soul with you...that it will help me see my destiny in the real world...and that because of how it effects me in real life, that this book will effect those who read it.
That said...I give you the introduction to Book 4.
-------------------------------------------
Main Entry: des•ti•ny
Pronunciation: \ˈdes-tə-nē\
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural des•ti•nies
Etymology: Middle English destinee, from Anglo-French, from feminine of destiné, past participle of destiner
Date: 14th century
1 : something to which a person or thing is destined : FORTUNE
2 : a predetermined course of events often held to be an irresistible power or agency
synonyms see FATE
So I wait.
What do I wait for?
Destiny…to eat me whole. This “predetermined” course of events that seem to have infected my being. The “chosen one”. Prophecy this and prophecy that. I hate it. To feel like you have no choice but yet you’ve made all the wrong ones. It sucks. I am unhappy and I hurt those I love daily. How in hell can this be my destiny? Did I per chance pick the wrong path one day? If so, when did that happen and can I go back and change my mind?
On one hand, I have two beautiful children and powers that many would make a deal with the devil for. Yet, on the other hand I seem to have the propensity for tragedy and horror to follow me and those I care for wherever I go. One might suggest maybe I need to embrace this stay of being. I cannot fathom it. If I didn’t feel I was needed I would find a way to die. Destiny or no, there are things I’ve seen and things I’ve done that make my skin crawl and my non-beating heart cry out for help.
But I can’t. Have help that is. I have made these bad choices, whether they were my destiny to make or not, and I am the one that deals with them. There is no need to share my dirty laundry with those who count on me so heavily. I am the chosen one and I should be able to shoulder this pain and these burdens alone…and I will.
Until it kills me.
Dead Theatre Bug?
Those who are in theatre tend to say, "I was bit by the theatre bug at an early age"...or something to do with being bitten by that bug...that bug that makes you think, "Hey, as long as I'm pursuing my art it's okay if I live paycheck to paycheck. I'm doing what I love...right?"
Writing isn't much different. The "Writing Bug" has that same after effect as previously mentioned. BUT...something interesting that I'm discovering...my "Writing Bug" may have killed ("squashed" maybe is a better term?) my "Theatre Bug".
Can I do more than ONE artistic thing at a time and give them both 100% as well as do my full time job that pays me? I can. I have. For years I've written on the side and pursued theatre hard core when not dealing with healthcare. But today I discovered something...my "Theatre Bug" feels dead.
**Insert a metaphorical scream and running about the room in fear**
WE ARE IN UNCHARTED WATERS CAPTAIN!
Maybe it's because I know that my book is good enough to be published and things are moving along (I have found and editor that believes in me and my work for starters) in that area of my life while my theatre work, though good, feels like it is going nowhere fast and to be honest, I'm not feeling the pull right now to change that.
AGAIN, LET ME SAY...UNCHARTED TERRITORY PEOPLE!!!! I'M A BIT FREAKED OUT!
For those of you NOT in NYC doing Off Off Bway stuff...let me enlighten you a bit. TONS of actors/directors/designers/etc. bust their ass for not a penny in this market here in NYC. I have a 2 page resume of work here in NYC in 8 years and I've been paid for 1 out of 10. Hell, I did one show last summer that I STILL have yet to be paid for!!! But that's not the point and I don't want to digress. We bust our asses and what do I have to show for it? A nice resume, a lot of knowledge that makes me a valuable person to have on your production team, and a lot of great friends or aquaintences in the biz...but it's the same thing day in and day out. There has been no changes except now, with the economy as it stands, my theatre company makes even LESS money! (Yee Gad! I'd have thought that wasn't even possible!). We have been pulling in 1/2 of what we were pulling. That's because people, including me, have been scaling back on spending money. I can't go see all my friends shows anymore. #1. It gets expensive to shell out $18 each time. #2. I used to use my business card to get in free (as I am considered industry in this genre) but they too need every dollar they can get and aren't comping anyone anynmore that's not an agent or a reviewer). So...does this mean I go pay and see the show? No. It means I stay home and make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and watch the TV I'm already paying for no matter if I do or do not go to the theatre. Mind you...if they are one of my closest friends I do try to find the money. Supporting them is very important. But it hurts my heart to see SUPER talented people doing one Off Off Broadway show after another without getting representation. And lets face it...hardly ANY agents drag their ass to an OOB play. Only, if by some miracle, they know someone in the show or who is directing/producing it do they come and even then...picking an actor to represent happens almost never.
It's sad. I know that. Maybe I'm burned out. I did go literally from show to show to show either as a director, producer, stage manager, choreographer or writer for about 3 years. What do I have to show for it? As previously said...a nice resume and some great skills...etc. But I'm no closer to having a self standing company. I'm just not. The chances that my theatre company will make enough money to let me just do what I love for a living is a long shot. A long shot in the sense of hitting a golf ball from Japan to NYC...THAT long a long shot.
BUT...my writing...it's not. I have that "feeling". It is going to take me somewhere...and I just don't know where yet...or when...but it is. And as I try and fail there aren't a bunch of people looking to me going, "Where's the money?". It's just me looking at myself and to let myself down is one thing, but to let down all those people I cherish and see as uber talented souls who I love? I breaks my heart more than they know.
A friend of mine and I have this dream to build an amazing theatre company that is both theatre and music with two theater's in it and rooms for rehearsal and classes. It's amazing! He and his father even have the schematics of it all drawn up. It would be the talk of NYC if we could start it. I'd LOVE to run the theatre side of it...my love of theatre isn't gone...it's just, my dreams seem to have changed. The Off Off Bway platform for me now feels like community theatre...though, trust me, the work my friends do is WAY above that talent wise! Maybe it's cause I'm going to turn 40 this year...but, I need to up the anty people...I just need to.
If I want that company I need to get the money. To get the money I need to do something other than what I'm doing now, OOB theatre. It's sad...but I feel it's true.
I'm rambling. I'm sorry. If you're able to follow these trains of thought CUDOS to YOU my friend!
The long and short of it is this...I have NO drive to do theatre right now and that scares me. I've been a theatre kid since I was 10 years old when the bug bit me and now I'm almost 40...that's a LONG time to be in the biz and I've gone farther than most. I just feel like my theatrical career is a hampster on that little wheel in his cage. It saddens me. It discourages me. I watch SO many do what I do and stay in the same spot and one might ask yourself why. Why not take my degree and apply to be the Artistic Director of a theatre company anywhere else in the country? Why not go to Grad school in England (cause that's my dream)? Why stay in NYC?
Simply put. I don't know. I feel in limbo. My friends are all married (or getting married or in long term relationships) and I...well...I have a dog (Not that he's not the best dog ever though!)...and I have a LOT of GREAT friends that I ADORE. But I'll be honest. I'm starting to wonder if my time here in NYC is going to end soon. Not because I don't love it here...not that I don't love my friends or what I do...but because I feel there is MORE out there for me than what I do now. If this book thing doesn't pan out (but it will so I'm just theorizing here) will I stay in NYC?
I hate to say this...cause it will SHOCK the shit out of my friends (if they even read this)...but the answer is...no.
I said I'd give NYC 10 years...it has until then, at the max. At that point if I'm not doing anything different than I am today (single, working at a hospital, trying to sell my books, doing theatre on the side...)I think it'll be time for me to move forward. I have NO idea what that will entail...but, as of today I admit it fully.
So...NYC...you have 2 years to woo me, so to speak...to show you wanna keep me. I dare you to do it. Find a way...or trust me, I'll find the next adventure to make me grow as a person somewhere else. I refuse to settle in this life.
Those are my lengthy thoughts today. If you made it all the way though...congrats! You are probably the only one! LOL!
Tamsin :)
Writing isn't much different. The "Writing Bug" has that same after effect as previously mentioned. BUT...something interesting that I'm discovering...my "Writing Bug" may have killed ("squashed" maybe is a better term?) my "Theatre Bug".
Can I do more than ONE artistic thing at a time and give them both 100% as well as do my full time job that pays me? I can. I have. For years I've written on the side and pursued theatre hard core when not dealing with healthcare. But today I discovered something...my "Theatre Bug" feels dead.
**Insert a metaphorical scream and running about the room in fear**
WE ARE IN UNCHARTED WATERS CAPTAIN!
Maybe it's because I know that my book is good enough to be published and things are moving along (I have found and editor that believes in me and my work for starters) in that area of my life while my theatre work, though good, feels like it is going nowhere fast and to be honest, I'm not feeling the pull right now to change that.
AGAIN, LET ME SAY...UNCHARTED TERRITORY PEOPLE!!!! I'M A BIT FREAKED OUT!
For those of you NOT in NYC doing Off Off Bway stuff...let me enlighten you a bit. TONS of actors/directors/designers/etc. bust their ass for not a penny in this market here in NYC. I have a 2 page resume of work here in NYC in 8 years and I've been paid for 1 out of 10. Hell, I did one show last summer that I STILL have yet to be paid for!!! But that's not the point and I don't want to digress. We bust our asses and what do I have to show for it? A nice resume, a lot of knowledge that makes me a valuable person to have on your production team, and a lot of great friends or aquaintences in the biz...but it's the same thing day in and day out. There has been no changes except now, with the economy as it stands, my theatre company makes even LESS money! (Yee Gad! I'd have thought that wasn't even possible!). We have been pulling in 1/2 of what we were pulling. That's because people, including me, have been scaling back on spending money. I can't go see all my friends shows anymore. #1. It gets expensive to shell out $18 each time. #2. I used to use my business card to get in free (as I am considered industry in this genre) but they too need every dollar they can get and aren't comping anyone anynmore that's not an agent or a reviewer). So...does this mean I go pay and see the show? No. It means I stay home and make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and watch the TV I'm already paying for no matter if I do or do not go to the theatre. Mind you...if they are one of my closest friends I do try to find the money. Supporting them is very important. But it hurts my heart to see SUPER talented people doing one Off Off Broadway show after another without getting representation. And lets face it...hardly ANY agents drag their ass to an OOB play. Only, if by some miracle, they know someone in the show or who is directing/producing it do they come and even then...picking an actor to represent happens almost never.
It's sad. I know that. Maybe I'm burned out. I did go literally from show to show to show either as a director, producer, stage manager, choreographer or writer for about 3 years. What do I have to show for it? As previously said...a nice resume and some great skills...etc. But I'm no closer to having a self standing company. I'm just not. The chances that my theatre company will make enough money to let me just do what I love for a living is a long shot. A long shot in the sense of hitting a golf ball from Japan to NYC...THAT long a long shot.
BUT...my writing...it's not. I have that "feeling". It is going to take me somewhere...and I just don't know where yet...or when...but it is. And as I try and fail there aren't a bunch of people looking to me going, "Where's the money?". It's just me looking at myself and to let myself down is one thing, but to let down all those people I cherish and see as uber talented souls who I love? I breaks my heart more than they know.
A friend of mine and I have this dream to build an amazing theatre company that is both theatre and music with two theater's in it and rooms for rehearsal and classes. It's amazing! He and his father even have the schematics of it all drawn up. It would be the talk of NYC if we could start it. I'd LOVE to run the theatre side of it...my love of theatre isn't gone...it's just, my dreams seem to have changed. The Off Off Bway platform for me now feels like community theatre...though, trust me, the work my friends do is WAY above that talent wise! Maybe it's cause I'm going to turn 40 this year...but, I need to up the anty people...I just need to.
If I want that company I need to get the money. To get the money I need to do something other than what I'm doing now, OOB theatre. It's sad...but I feel it's true.
I'm rambling. I'm sorry. If you're able to follow these trains of thought CUDOS to YOU my friend!
The long and short of it is this...I have NO drive to do theatre right now and that scares me. I've been a theatre kid since I was 10 years old when the bug bit me and now I'm almost 40...that's a LONG time to be in the biz and I've gone farther than most. I just feel like my theatrical career is a hampster on that little wheel in his cage. It saddens me. It discourages me. I watch SO many do what I do and stay in the same spot and one might ask yourself why. Why not take my degree and apply to be the Artistic Director of a theatre company anywhere else in the country? Why not go to Grad school in England (cause that's my dream)? Why stay in NYC?
Simply put. I don't know. I feel in limbo. My friends are all married (or getting married or in long term relationships) and I...well...I have a dog (Not that he's not the best dog ever though!)...and I have a LOT of GREAT friends that I ADORE. But I'll be honest. I'm starting to wonder if my time here in NYC is going to end soon. Not because I don't love it here...not that I don't love my friends or what I do...but because I feel there is MORE out there for me than what I do now. If this book thing doesn't pan out (but it will so I'm just theorizing here) will I stay in NYC?
I hate to say this...cause it will SHOCK the shit out of my friends (if they even read this)...but the answer is...no.
I said I'd give NYC 10 years...it has until then, at the max. At that point if I'm not doing anything different than I am today (single, working at a hospital, trying to sell my books, doing theatre on the side...)I think it'll be time for me to move forward. I have NO idea what that will entail...but, as of today I admit it fully.
So...NYC...you have 2 years to woo me, so to speak...to show you wanna keep me. I dare you to do it. Find a way...or trust me, I'll find the next adventure to make me grow as a person somewhere else. I refuse to settle in this life.
Those are my lengthy thoughts today. If you made it all the way though...congrats! You are probably the only one! LOL!
Tamsin :)
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