Rain Rain Go Away...

Tuesday. Rain pelting down, flooding Manhattan. Everywhere you look are rainboots and umbrella's and unhappy faces.

No one likes the weather here. Yet...22.232 million people live here...(says the 2009 census). Why? Why do we all live here?

Is it the culture? Is it that there is tons to do here (great clubs, shows, bars, museums, etc.)? Is it the vast business opportunities? Is it the diversity of the people? Is it the parks? Is it the great food (cause trust me...you could eat out for each meal, every day for a year in this city and eat somewhere new and cool each time)? Is it the history this city holds? Is it the fact that every now and again you stop, look around and say to yourself, "I really live here!"

Its all these things actually. Add on the fact that the people here are fantastic, creating great friends you adore and you have yourself someplace fun to live. BUT...the weather sucks. Last summer we had more rain than sunshine. This winter we had HORRIBLY cold winds and TONS of snow.

See, New Yorkers walk in this shit...it's not like other northern areas where most of the people have cars. Sure, Michigan was colder...it gets more snow usually...but you go from your warm house to your warmed up car to your warm job...etc. (Do apply that for summer too...air conditioned houses, cars, jobs, etc). Here? You walk in this shitty weather. You are your car. Your feet are your tires. So, in case you ever wondered why New Yorkers talk about the weather all the time...it's cause basically we are talking cars...discussing what we have to push through every day.

Now if it wasn't for all that really cool stuff I listed before...I don't think people would live here. The reason NYC became what it became was so people could fathom living here. Just my opinion folks...

New Yorkers spend much time talking about when the nice weather will be here...we are on a countdown. New Yorkers are the happiest (you actually see smiling faces on your way to work) from about June till October/November. Then you get all the cool Christmas stuff here in the city into fooling you it's okay to be cold..."Tis The Season"...then New Years hits and you go...Why the fuck do I live here again?

Anyhoo...It's almost April right?

This is Tamsin Silver, staring out her window at the crappy weather saying...hang in there New Yorkers...only 2 months to go...and if we're lucky? It'll be nice by May...we can hold on for one to two more months...right?

Well, we'll try...but count on us to bitch about it. ;) xo

DESTINY

You'd think after the HUGE ass post I typed just a wee bit ago I'd have nothing else for my reading audiece today.

SO not true.

I have the Indroduction to Book 4; Destiny.

Considering my previous post...I think possibly this next book mirrors me right now in a way that's too deep to explain without rambling like earlier. I can feel that writing this next book will be me sharing a bit of my soul with you...that it will help me see my destiny in the real world...and that because of how it effects me in real life, that this book will effect those who read it.

That said...I give you the introduction to Book 4.

-------------------------------------------

Main Entry: des•ti•ny
Pronunciation: \ˈdes-tə-nē\
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural des•ti•nies
Etymology: Middle English destinee, from Anglo-French, from feminine of destiné, past participle of destiner
Date: 14th century
1 : something to which a person or thing is destined : FORTUNE
2 : a predetermined course of events often held to be an irresistible power or agency
synonyms see FATE

So I wait.

What do I wait for?

Destiny…to eat me whole. This “predetermined” course of events that seem to have infected my being. The “chosen one”. Prophecy this and prophecy that. I hate it. To feel like you have no choice but yet you’ve made all the wrong ones. It sucks. I am unhappy and I hurt those I love daily. How in hell can this be my destiny? Did I per chance pick the wrong path one day? If so, when did that happen and can I go back and change my mind?

On one hand, I have two beautiful children and powers that many would make a deal with the devil for. Yet, on the other hand I seem to have the propensity for tragedy and horror to follow me and those I care for wherever I go. One might suggest maybe I need to embrace this stay of being. I cannot fathom it. If I didn’t feel I was needed I would find a way to die. Destiny or no, there are things I’ve seen and things I’ve done that make my skin crawl and my non-beating heart cry out for help.

But I can’t. Have help that is. I have made these bad choices, whether they were my destiny to make or not, and I am the one that deals with them. There is no need to share my dirty laundry with those who count on me so heavily. I am the chosen one and I should be able to shoulder this pain and these burdens alone…and I will.

Until it kills me.

Dead Theatre Bug?

Those who are in theatre tend to say, "I was bit by the theatre bug at an early age"...or something to do with being bitten by that bug...that bug that makes you think, "Hey, as long as I'm pursuing my art it's okay if I live paycheck to paycheck. I'm doing what I love...right?"

Writing isn't much different. The "Writing Bug" has that same after effect as previously mentioned. BUT...something interesting that I'm discovering...my "Writing Bug" may have killed ("squashed" maybe is a better term?) my "Theatre Bug".

Can I do more than ONE artistic thing at a time and give them both 100% as well as do my full time job that pays me? I can. I have. For years I've written on the side and pursued theatre hard core when not dealing with healthcare. But today I discovered something...my "Theatre Bug" feels dead.

**Insert a metaphorical scream and running about the room in fear**

WE ARE IN UNCHARTED WATERS CAPTAIN!

Maybe it's because I know that my book is good enough to be published and things are moving along (I have found and editor that believes in me and my work for starters) in that area of my life while my theatre work, though good, feels like it is going nowhere fast and to be honest, I'm not feeling the pull right now to change that.

AGAIN, LET ME SAY...UNCHARTED TERRITORY PEOPLE!!!! I'M A BIT FREAKED OUT!

For those of you NOT in NYC doing Off Off Bway stuff...let me enlighten you a bit. TONS of actors/directors/designers/etc. bust their ass for not a penny in this market here in NYC. I have a 2 page resume of work here in NYC in 8 years and I've been paid for 1 out of 10. Hell, I did one show last summer that I STILL have yet to be paid for!!! But that's not the point and I don't want to digress. We bust our asses and what do I have to show for it? A nice resume, a lot of knowledge that makes me a valuable person to have on your production team, and a lot of great friends or aquaintences in the biz...but it's the same thing day in and day out. There has been no changes except now, with the economy as it stands, my theatre company makes even LESS money! (Yee Gad! I'd have thought that wasn't even possible!). We have been pulling in 1/2 of what we were pulling. That's because people, including me, have been scaling back on spending money. I can't go see all my friends shows anymore. #1. It gets expensive to shell out $18 each time. #2. I used to use my business card to get in free (as I am considered industry in this genre) but they too need every dollar they can get and aren't comping anyone anynmore that's not an agent or a reviewer). So...does this mean I go pay and see the show? No. It means I stay home and make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and watch the TV I'm already paying for no matter if I do or do not go to the theatre. Mind you...if they are one of my closest friends I do try to find the money. Supporting them is very important. But it hurts my heart to see SUPER talented people doing one Off Off Broadway show after another without getting representation. And lets face it...hardly ANY agents drag their ass to an OOB play. Only, if by some miracle, they know someone in the show or who is directing/producing it do they come and even then...picking an actor to represent happens almost never.

It's sad. I know that. Maybe I'm burned out. I did go literally from show to show to show either as a director, producer, stage manager, choreographer or writer for about 3 years. What do I have to show for it? As previously said...a nice resume and some great skills...etc. But I'm no closer to having a self standing company. I'm just not. The chances that my theatre company will make enough money to let me just do what I love for a living is a long shot. A long shot in the sense of hitting a golf ball from Japan to NYC...THAT long a long shot.

BUT...my writing...it's not. I have that "feeling". It is going to take me somewhere...and I just don't know where yet...or when...but it is. And as I try and fail there aren't a bunch of people looking to me going, "Where's the money?". It's just me looking at myself and to let myself down is one thing, but to let down all those people I cherish and see as uber talented souls who I love? I breaks my heart more than they know.

A friend of mine and I have this dream to build an amazing theatre company that is both theatre and music with two theater's in it and rooms for rehearsal and classes. It's amazing! He and his father even have the schematics of it all drawn up. It would be the talk of NYC if we could start it. I'd LOVE to run the theatre side of it...my love of theatre isn't gone...it's just, my dreams seem to have changed. The Off Off Bway platform for me now feels like community theatre...though, trust me, the work my friends do is WAY above that talent wise! Maybe it's cause I'm going to turn 40 this year...but, I need to up the anty people...I just need to.

If I want that company I need to get the money. To get the money I need to do something other than what I'm doing now, OOB theatre. It's sad...but I feel it's true.

I'm rambling. I'm sorry. If you're able to follow these trains of thought CUDOS to YOU my friend!

The long and short of it is this...I have NO drive to do theatre right now and that scares me. I've been a theatre kid since I was 10 years old when the bug bit me and now I'm almost 40...that's a LONG time to be in the biz and I've gone farther than most. I just feel like my theatrical career is a hampster on that little wheel in his cage. It saddens me. It discourages me. I watch SO many do what I do and stay in the same spot and one might ask yourself why. Why not take my degree and apply to be the Artistic Director of a theatre company anywhere else in the country? Why not go to Grad school in England (cause that's my dream)? Why stay in NYC?

Simply put. I don't know. I feel in limbo. My friends are all married (or getting married or in long term relationships) and I...well...I have a dog (Not that he's not the best dog ever though!)...and I have a LOT of GREAT friends that I ADORE. But I'll be honest. I'm starting to wonder if my time here in NYC is going to end soon. Not because I don't love it here...not that I don't love my friends or what I do...but because I feel there is MORE out there for me than what I do now. If this book thing doesn't pan out (but it will so I'm just theorizing here) will I stay in NYC?

I hate to say this...cause it will SHOCK the shit out of my friends (if they even read this)...but the answer is...no.

I said I'd give NYC 10 years...it has until then, at the max. At that point if I'm not doing anything different than I am today (single, working at a hospital, trying to sell my books, doing theatre on the side...)I think it'll be time for me to move forward. I have NO idea what that will entail...but, as of today I admit it fully.

So...NYC...you have 2 years to woo me, so to speak...to show you wanna keep me. I dare you to do it. Find a way...or trust me, I'll find the next adventure to make me grow as a person somewhere else. I refuse to settle in this life.

Those are my lengthy thoughts today. If you made it all the way though...congrats! You are probably the only one! LOL!

Tamsin :)

A New Day...

I normally never do this, but I'm going to add on to my post yesterday and THEN I'll talk about my book...so, if you have NO care in the world for my thoughts on healthcare reform...scroll on down past the next section. It's okay, I'll not be hurt.

I'll keep this brief...or "brief for me" that is...

Last night I was on Facebook and found some bantering on a friend's page about the new bill. I wrote some thoughts on her page and got positive feedback from those who read the comments. I thought it'd be possibly wise to post them here. Cause they were a less emotional (cause trust me, when I typed yesterday I was emotional) opinion/thoughts than earlier in the day.

Here are the two posts I put on my friend's page, in order;

Post #1.
I have worked in every aspect of healthcare there is from clinical technician to collector to filing clerk to pharmacy to lab work to you name it...& from an inside perspective this bill is a good thing...and its a door to great things! Yes, a business owner who has 50+ employees must offer insurance soon or they will be fined $2000 each employee. No offense but if they have that many employees they shoulda been offering it to begin with!

Every American will have to have insurance but lower cost options/companies will sprout (thats part of that 3 billion from what I've read) & if u can't afford the lowest cost insurance Medicaid will be taking you so it doesn't have to be a sudden large $ amount you are going to be forced to pay if you don't have it. I really love that car insurance analogy btw...its really on the money, no pun intended.... (Note: the girl previous to me wrote how we don't bawk at how we MUST pay car insurance or we're fined and this is hte same idea...protecting ourselves but instead of from car injury, from illness).

Does this bill fix everything? No. But damn, its going in the right direction for once. People (old & young) can stop dying due to no coverage & doctors can maybe now charge less as they'll see be able to see more patients. THIS will create more office jobs in those offices as well as the companies that supply/support them.

Change is a scary thing cause we'll hit bumps & make mistakes but its worth the end result. If we sat & did nothing we'd never have anything to perfect...and our children and our grandchildren are worth us taking a chance, being scared, & trying to improve the quality of lives all over, no matter their financial standing.

I have a job where they offer great insurance, so I say none of this because the plan benefits me...but those I love. Am I willing to pay extra for that? Hell yes!

Those are my thoughts & you are welcome to agree or disagree...but as someone with health issues, good insurance & experience in the industry...I wanted to throw my thoughts into the pot.:)

Oh, & just think, if you loose your job you no longer need to think about what the hell your going to do about your health issues. Happy day!

Post #2.
Luckily the small companies have some time to decide how to comply with the new law. I'm sorry to hear the small Oncology companies have had to join with their hospitals but let's see the positive in that...their resources & available staff/medical minds to confer with/assist in treating their patients has probably doubled at least. Don't get me wrong, I do see the sadness of small businesses loosing their "independence" but, chances are they are stronger now both for the reason previously mentioned & financially...making the possibility of closing their doors permanently smaller AND helping them to have the money to give decent benefits to their employees.:) I know, I'm the unfailing optimist sometimes...but that doesn't mean I'm totally wrong.
-------------------------------------------------------------

NOW FOR POSTING ON THE BOOK

Met with my lovely editor last night. We put down dates for when things would be done...when we'd meet...I paid her...and then we just sorta talked about anything and everything. I feel very blessed to have found this girl. And I'm not just saying that cause she'll soon probably read this. I mean it. It was a fun hour and a half and though she wouldn't spill a word about where she was in the manuscript (dagnabbit!) she told me something that I thought was vastly interesting.

She said that she could tell the mood I was in when I wrote particular sections due to the re-use of the same word over and over again in that part of the book. Fascinating. I think that's really cool. Don't get me wrong...I understand it's BAD for my book to repeat like that and I'm going to laugh when I see the results and I'm going to make love to my thesaurus to fix it...BUT...I thought it was an interesting discovery and thought that I might say to those of you writers who do not have an editor yet...look for this. I can't be the only one who does this...can I?

In other news....

I've not written anything new since I finished the book last week and I feel like I have all this murmuring going on in the back of my head. I need quiet headspace so...I'm going to do something today that I swore I'd not do.........I'm going to start working on either Book 4 or on my young adult series I dabble on here and there. Cause, let's face it, my imagination is used to being let loose and it's pushing at the locked door and I need to let her out...for my own sanity.

So, off I go! :)

What a GLORIOUS DAY!

I'm so excited about what has just happened today...I have to blog about it!

This has nothing to do with my book...but about me, the author. I shall explain.

As I work hard here in NYC to make a living so that I can write my books on the side so that one day I can be a published author I've been working in the healthcare system for 11 years. Seven of those eleven years have been spent trying to get the insurance companies to pay. That's right, I've been a collector that busts her butt to get the insurance company to pay the doctor or hospital vs. denying the claim so that the patient isn't stuck with the bill. It's noble work but it's hard work and it's emotionally exhausting work at times. If you ever speak to a collector at your doctor's office or hospital, know that they bust their ass for you...and that they HATE calling you with your balance...and that they try their best to save you money. Or at least, the ones worth their weight in gold (like the folks I've worked with) do.

In my eleven years I've watched children not get the care they need. I've seen the insurance company find ANY loophole they can to not pay and then watch the patient get either more ill or pass away. I've walked step for step with a parent of a child who's insurance refused to pay ANYTHING stating "pre-existing condition" because they felt she should've gone to a doctor sooner...even when her PCP said there was no way she could've come earlier, or known. I've faught on a daily basis to make them pay...and now...by God...they're going to have to!

Today is a historic day for the USA. Healthcare Reform Bill has been signed by President Barack Obama and as of NOW...no child can be denied for "pre-existing condition". WOO-HOOOOOO!!!!

I could go on and on and on...but I won't. I just wanted to put my thoughts out there today. I dedicate this bill to Shannon. You may not be around anymore my darling girl, but it's because of situations like yours that the people spoke up WE CHANGED THE LAW!

I am wiping tears from my face...out of joy and out of sorrow...but at least now...it's not just out of sorrow. Thank you President Obama for your vision and your diligence. Thanks to the House and the Senate...those of you who knew it was time to fix a broken system. I applaude you.

Our children's children will thank us for this...mark my words...

And...she is completed.

As of Wednesday the 17th...St. Patricks Day funny enough...I have completed Book 3; Stained Glass. Hoo-ray! It's hard to believe its done. I ended it with an excerpt of Book 4; Destiny so as to give readers a look at what the new story will be dealing with.

What will be hard is NOT writing Book 4 while I wait for Book 1 to come back from my Editor. To occupy my time my "plan" is to proof through Book 3 before it goes to my actual proof reader, Rachel Grundy (she is also the lovely lady who makes sure all of my British vernacular is correct in the book seeing as she's from Greenwich, UK, it's easy for her!), and then I'll go through Book 2 when she returns it to me this week and put in all the music specifics. I'm guessing that this should keep my creative head busy until April 16, which is the date my first book is to be returned to me all covered in red lines and comments.

You know, NORMAL people dread their book coming back from their editor. But not me...I'm excited to see her ideas to make it more concise AND for the opportunity it will create for me to make the book better. I say this because I feel that I am a better writing now than I was when I started that book. Hell, I'm a better writer now than I was when I finished it! Plus, being as that I know more about the series now it'll make it easier to write new sections of Book 1.

Book 3 ends in November of 1998. Book 4 will pick up right after it due to the nature of the ending of Book 3 it sorta has to. I think if I jumped ahead at all the readers would be sorely pissed off. But, that said, Book 4 will end up taking a jump at some point as it will actually end either the end of 2000 or the begining of 2001. Book 5 (which I think is the last one) will pick up 3 years after that. IF, as I write Book 5 it looks to be too long, there will be 6 books and Destiny will actually end up as Destiny Part I and Destiny Part II. No idea yet. We'll see as we write.

Someone is now thinking, "But don't you outline and know where things are going?" Not really. See, I outline in my head and create as I go. Chances are, for the rest of my life, when I go to propose a book to my publishing company with an outline...the book will already be written. This is SOOO backwards, I know this. Its just, the best creative ideas I've come up with throughout this series have come to me from the writing process. If I'd sat down and attempted to write the outline chances are I'd never have thought of these cool things that way. I think it just works better for me to open up the floodgates of creativity and let the chips fall where they may.

That said, I really should get back to proofing my final copy of Book 3 for my Proof Reader (I know, it sounds redundant). I hope you all have a wonderful weekend! It is supposed to be 75 and sunny tomorrow here in NYC so I will NOT be writing or proofing...I will have my wonderful dog outside in the park munching on goodies from the farmers market and playing with the children at the park that always attack him. One big 55lb black fluffy dog surrounded by at least 4 or 5 kids all petting him at once. It's a sight...

I leave you with the two verses of the longer poem by Nettie Pennington. I use at the end of Book 3.

----------------------------------

As Destiny Unfolds

There is always a choice to make
When two paths merge and life takes a break
For a split second, all things are one
As destiny and chaos collide once more

When two paths merge and life takes a break
No one will warn you that it is already to late
To change the path you have taken
As destiny and chaos collide once more…

Nettie Pennington

The end is near...

The end of Book Three is so near my pulse quickens at the thought of it!

This past weekend in NYC was utter shite...as weather goes. If it had been cold enough, the Northeasterner (type of a storm) we got for 2 days in a row, would've been snow and we'd have been burried. Instead it was rain and wind that I refer to as "umbrella killing" wind. In a one square block walk with the dog I came across over 10 dead umbrella's lying on the sidewalk/road in pieces. Why my dog feels these are items to pee on, I have no idea. Is it not bad enough they died and their owners tossed them on the road...but to then be peed on? My dog is just mean.

My thought over the weekend was if I had an umbrella made by the people who made Mary Poppins' umbrella I'd have been fine...but no, my umbrella flipped inside out and right side in over and over and over. My down jacked was soaked and my shoes? Ugh, we won't talk about it.

ANYHOO...my point, and I have one, is that it was PERFECT weather for writing. When I got home from the gym and grocery store I cooked up some lunch, made some hot tea and away I went. I finished Chapter 23 on Saturday and then yesterday wrote Chapter 24. All that is left is Chapter 25 and the Epilogue and it's done. Mind you, Chapter 24 is shorter than the usual chapters by 2 pages...but that's okay. It fits its purpose and is tight.

So...we have only one more short chapter and the epi...and its a wrap. VERY excited to see how this goes today...for I hope to finish today.

To tantalize you with things...here's a section from Chapter 24...it explains the title of the book...Enjoy! -Tamsin :)
---------------------------------------

I leaned back in my seat and closed my eyes. I heard Alastair get out of the back seat and into the passenger side front. He sat there for another minute. I could feel his eyes on me and was about to ask him to just spit it out when he did.

“How are you holding up?”

“Look at me, how do I look like I’m holding up?” I said sarcastically.

“You look pretty good to me,” he said. “Better than I’d be.”

I let out a light laugh and then said, “Stained glass.”

“What?”

I opened my eyes and stared out the window and said, “Stained glass. It’s beautiful to look at but in reality it’s pieces of broken glass that have been tinted and stuck together with other broken pieces of glass. They make a pretty picture but in reality, they’re broken pieces and they’re fragile.” I turned to look at him. “That’s how I feel. Like I’m just barely being held together by some sort of glue…all my broken pieces attached and at any moment if I don’t concentrate on holding it together that they’ll all come crashing down and that pretty picture will just be broken pieces of glass laying on the floor with no use at all.”

He said nothing but took my hand. I looked back out the window into the dark forest and we waited in silence.